“I'd be better off dead"
This does not sound good and feel good at all. The journey in hell is not easy to many people who solo this in their heart.
Below is part of the incident which my depression rooted. It might sound silly, it might sound nothing to you. Please bear in mind that you were not me, I were not you. I did not experience what you have experience, what you have been through, I did not experience your pain and suffering; neither did you. We all had hard times. The shame of myself for being silly and stupid after looking back the years is not easy on me too. It was just a journey of life.
There were times since a few years ago, I did not even realize that I lived in hell. I just felt lost, I lost all my interests in almost everything in life. I felt very helpless, not enough rest from work also drove me crazy and I had made a lot of complaints for work. I had a boyfriend that time who I loved so deeply. I knew he loved me too. Everything changed ever since he left alone when he went for Sydney for his master studies after 8 months we were together. During this 8 months, we spent everyday together. As he was going Sydney for one year, I have confidence in him and our relationship and one year was not going to change anything in our relationship. He was the one that I had decided to marry, he was the one who I could really trust. he was the one who I was willing to tell anything inside me.
Things are not always going the way as we hope for.
After he left, I was staying alone and working very hard for my last year thesis for my degree. As most of my best friends around were busy dating and busy for studies. I started to feel that I was so alone. I pushed myself very hard to get a first class degree (although in the end I just got a second-upper degree). The stress and loneliness was killing me softly and gradually. He started to enjoy his life in Sydney and leaving me behind. There was this one time, when i was burning the midnight lamp for studies in my room, somebody threw an egg into my window from outside. I really did not know what to do at the moment, I did not offend anybody in the uni, I did not act harsh towards anybody in the uni. I felt so helpless and of cause I called my boyfriend who was in Sydney. What I got from the call was not asking me "Are you okay?", rather he said "hey, u know what time now?! you could have called the next day!"
I was hurt so deep, felt so dark and alone at that night. My boyfriend called the next day to ask if I was ok. Sometimes, when the hurt was done, it could not be undone no matter how much I loved him.
Well, the egg throwing thing happened again for the second time and I complained it to the student association. I was so afraid that I ran away from the uni and to stayed in my friend's apartment for a week or more. I just did not want to go back to my own apartment anymore! I went back to my apartment after that with my window all shut and I never opened it again. I started to pick up smoking and drinking.
We were drifted apart....bit by bit. He did not care for me anymore ever since he made some close friends in Sydney. But I missed him, so I decided to take a holiday to Sydney. I was just a student and not working at that time. I had no money so I borrowed money from my dad a few thousand grands, a few grands meant a lot to me back in those days, yet I was willing to do so just wanted to see him. I felt relieved that I got to know that he was so excited to see in Sydney. I spent two weeks in Sydney with him and his friends, I guessed he was just too into his friends and did not realise that I would want to spend more time with him which was my purpose of the trip. He asked me to join his friends every nights, he did not know I was not used to cold weather during winter that I felt exhausted. I guessed that was the trigger of my depression. By that time, I did not know I was getting more and more depressed. He the closest one to me, ignored the possibility of me having depression. He just took me as a wilful and emotional lady who acted funny.
I was hurt so very deeply again, this time it was too much. He did not even realize that I was deeply hurt by him and still blamed me for not being friendly. He even asked for breakup after I was back to Malaysia. I would not want to let someone I really loved and cared to leave like that, and he said he still loved me. So how could I just let our relationship died like that. I swore to myself that I could not let someone I really love to walk out of my life without working and maintaining hard. I believe "Always do your best, what you plant now, you will harvest later." I tried even harder and harder.
I graduated from uni, I got a job in my hometown while he was still in Sydney. I just could not stay at his hometown while he was not around. I have my family to care for too. One year and a half, he was finally back. Our first meeting was the end of year, we counted the end of a year together. He did not really care for me like what he did before leaving to Sydney, but I was glad that he was finally back to be by my side. I was so glad that we were finally getting back together. He said he might want to look for job in Singapore and I loved that idea and hoped he could really get a job in Singapore. Of course, once again my hope was shattered. He got a good job in his hometown, and we were separated once again.
Due to the long distance relationship, I felt so all alone all the time. My work was drowning me with no rest, with politics, with stress, yet he was not around. there were guys chasing after me, I rejected all due to my love for him was so deep and wanted to stay loyal to him which I believe he would do the same to me. The long distance relationship without him by my side for years and stress from all sources of living, I was lost. I could not feel love, could not feel excitement, could not feel happy, could not feel any interests in everything. He said I was being negative and emotional, I could change this if I wanted to. Why could he not know that I was already drowned in darkness. For him, I could travel 3 to 4 hours to his house just to see him as long as I had free time. I saved all my free time for him. "How could he not know that? How could he not see my sacrifice? Why he could not just volunteer to come my hometown to see me even he knew that I am dying from tiredness? Why couldn't he just see how hard I tried?" I could not sleep, I could not work properly, I could not communicate properly with other people. I feel sorrow all the time, 24 7, 365 days. After years of my dying and super tired journey to him, my hope for his love, my hope for his care, the sadness in my heart eventually drowned me to complete darkness and living hell. I asked for breakup and he agreed. After that, I could not live anymore and could not shake off the idea of putting everything to an end, to end my life.
When I was depressed, I had everything that people would envy at. I had a solid job, I was financially very stable even better than my peer group, I had a house, I had loving family. I was blessed.
I did not feel that I have an option.
I was taught to not commit suicide since childhood from education, from religion, yet I could not live anymore. The struggle inside was killing me, I could not have a normal life anymore. I could not end all the misery unless I end myself. I went to seaside during work, could not help to have the urge to jump into the big calm sea. I could not help to cut myself in hope to find some pain. I could not help crying but my characteristic would not allow me to cry in front of anyone else, so I hid here and there for myself to cry. I could not help thinking to bang other cars on the road when I was driving, if I died in car crash/ car accident my family would not be so sad because it was an accident.
I just don't want to live. I don't know if I can handle it anymore.
I was the last to know the reason why he agreed so easily. He fell in love for a girl for years and spent time with her. This got me more agitated more miserable more suffering when the struggle to die or not to die was torturing me. I questioned him but of course he denied it all. I could not understand and still cannot understand how a person can deny a fact. Fact is fact, no matter how he denied it, it is a true fact. I do not understand after he had caused so much hurt and misery to me, why does he need to lie again?
The accumulation of hurt, pain, hope, sadness, hatred, effort, shame of myself being such a stupid and silly girl...left their marks on me- Depression. I took active action to try to fix it. I went to see psychiatric, I started taking medicine. Yes, medicine helps to reduce some of the impulse intention on suicide, it makes me weak, it makes me sleep, it makes me emotionless.
I had used up all my ideas on how to help myself, so I turned to my friends who used to be my best friends. We stayed together for 1 or 2 years, we traveled together each year. What they did was only telling me that you must let go your past, you must not dwell your own past. They started to be impatient, to blame me on holding onto the past, or said " Why must you act like this or be like this?" as if I wanted myself to be like that. At the same time, they would add on in their last words, " I am here for you, you can always find me if you need help". Ironic isn't it? They just pushed you away but still did no feel ashamed to say that I am a kind, caring and loving friend?!
Only then I realized if they really understand what I suffer and really care, and condemnation will not do any help but worse, hurt. I felt that the my world had dumped me alone. When we called someone "friends", they might not be real friends you need. It is like you call someone "your loved one/husband/boyfriend/BFF", you think they love you and you love them. They might be the one who give you all hell more than you deserve, yet they still can justify themselves with all sorts of so called reasons but excuses.
For whom has family or friend suffering depression, try your best not to be angry, impatient, and not to condemn, not to lecture your family or friend who is suffering depression. You might think you are trying your best to help, instead you are creating more pain and hurt. Pushing just ain't no right way. If you are really trying to help, you should put yourself in the his/her shoes, not just to think you are doing the right thing according to the books or articles online, or even social norms. I can tell you, by thinking you are doing right thing, by thinking you are right about all things, you are just an ego bullshit person with all craps that creates hatred. For the depressed, if you really want to help, just spend more time with them whenever they feel depressed or lonely. You do not need to do anything, you can accompany them by just sitting around them, doing your own thing, let them feel your existence, let them know that you are willing to stay by them, they will talk to you when they feel like. You can just act like normal, just like nothing has happened (although you know something is already different, just pretend nothing). You can invite them out for meals, for drinks. They might not talk a lot as before, they might be too quiet, you can talk about yourself, I bet that they will be willing to listen to you. They need a normal life which as one had before everything happened, with extra care and love. They can feel your care and love and one day, they will be back from the living hell inside.
A friend in need is a friend indeed. So in the very end, I found that I have they ain't no friend of mine. Maybe God just wanna show me that a friend, a real friend would give a helping hand when you are drowning, not to push your head into the water.
Here, I would recommend an article to read:
" How to replace bad relationships with good ones" from James Russel Lingerfelt.
http://jamesrusselllingerfelt.wordpress.com/2014/01/09/how-to-replace-bad-relationships-with-good-ones/
“Make a list of people who inspire or deplete you. Draw a big X through the people on the “deplete” list. Now go cultivate the relationships you want.”
Since the people do not care what they do to us or how their action would affect us, although it might sound selfish, we should just kick them out of our lives forever. Tell them to get lost!
Do not punish yourself by the mistakes done by others.
While writing this blog, I am still suffering. Hoping that a better future will come with the learning in life.
Inspired by Winston Churchill who was a great man and who suffered in depression during his life.
~Olivia~
thou shalt be saved.
